rah rah sis boom bah

goodbye,

freezer door--you never opened more than six inches thanks to some
ill-placed cabinets;

squeaky, crappy floor--you gave me a weight complex and a splinter;

toilet--you don't flush, you leak, i can take a pee and put a tiny square
of toilet paper in you and be staring at that tp for the next week;

uptight neighbor--on the evening of august 30, you will rue the day you
messed with us. party will be directly below your bedroom and will include
all your favorite things to bitch about, such as: typing on laptops,
listening to records at the volume of a whisper, telling melissa where my
extra jacket is, and rustling plastic bags;

other rude neighbor girl(s)--i think there are at least 2 or 3 of you who
still slam the door in my face, don't you know i live here by now?;

shot glasses and swizzle sticks left by previous tenants--i have been
wanting to throw you away for the past year but mike thought you might be
worth something on ebay. i guess that's now up for the next tenant to
decide;

olde-tyme-faucet-knob-looking shower curtain hangers left by previous
tenant--oh, actually i like you! you're coming with me!;

landlord--you never fix anything, you act like you're out of town and then
i see you driving the shiny red sportscar i'm paying for down the street,
and (my personal favorite) you bring people over to show the apartment
without even telling me at all! you shall never see me sitting on the
couch wearing a bath towel and eating corn pops ever again, you old perv.