rah rah sis boom bah

my roommate, laura (in a google chat):

are up--i'm good at this picture thing now, huh, guys?

i even put a little comment on each picture--there was a bottle of birthday whisky that i made everyone drink from. 80% of us have colds now. i would have thought the alcohol would kill the germs. guess you live and learn eh?

there are many new summer time photos in my flickr account. just click on "photos" on the right there--i'm going to keep uploading more now that laura taught me how to use flickr uploadr so i dont have to go to their website.

i've also added a set just of people flipping off the camera. i have 70 billion pictures of people flipping off my camera.

1. the sound that our buzzer makes in our apartment is a long, high pitched sound that's really loud. the sound of our buzzer always makes me have a little tiny anxiety attack, because i'm always afraid it is our landlady and we don't really follow the terms of our lease. we're not really supposed to have people living in the closet and we're really not supposed to have a pet. nor should we probably be letting people draw on the wall on the porch (i'll paint over it before we move, and i like what my friends have done with the place to be honest). so anyway whenever the buzzer rings, unless someone has said i'll be over in like ten seconds and i'll ring the buzzer, i freak out a little bit. ups man, you scared me. religious people, you scared me. friend who stopped by without calling, hey why didn't you call first? also you scared me.

that also has been translated to any sound that is in the same key as the buzzer. i'll hear that goddamned buzzer and get a little freaked out even when i'm not at home. i could be in a completely different city and someone's cell phone can ring or a trumpet can be playing or something and as soon as it hits the note of the buzzer, totally freaks me out. i can't even be around axl rose's voice. which is too bad because i actually like his voice. but it sounds too much like our buzzer.

the worst that can happen is she will evict us. and then we'll just have to find somewhere else to live. not really worth getting all worked up about...

maybe i need to have someone systematically desensitize me to the sound of the buzzer. like hold me down and just buzz for an hour or something.

2. i feel my cellphone vibrate even when it's not vibrating. i try to answer it when no one is calling all the time. apparently this is referred to as "phantom vibrations" or "vibranxiety", and it is fairly common among people who use vibrating phones. and since my phone won't, ya know, ring, i have to have it on vibrate. my vibranxiety is out of control. maybe i should get onto some kind of anti-vibranxiety medication...

bought a used phone for 20 bucks. it doesn't ring. only vibrate. UGH

this is a pretty tumultuous point of my life; i can't really remember another point where so many big changes happened at once, and i'm not handling it super well. mostly i'm just avoiding all of the problems i have and hoping they'll go away or someone else will take care of them for me. guess what? surprisingly, that's not working. but i guess i'm learning about myself or some BS like that right?

here are some things i've learned about myself recently:

-i'm kind of a selfish person. i don't think i always have been, but lately, jeez. if i don't want to do something, then i'm not doing it. my main concerns are my own health, happiness, and satisfaction. if i don't want to care about you right now, that's where you are. i'm a jerk!

-i thought i was good at handling shit. i thought i could git r done. turns out r is gettin me done instead. and r equals most things in my life, and by gettin me done means "fucking me over".

-i suffer from what is called an "intense lack of motivation". i try to work and the second someone calls with "hey wanna hang out" or "hey wanna go to the beach", i'm saying yes before they even get past the "hey, wanna" part. these calls inevitably come preeetty much every day.

-i'm feeling really guilty lately about most everything that's happening in my life. i'm not being a good student, or a good friend, or a good daughter or sister or granddaughter or citizen of the world or anything. i'm just being a lazy sack of shit.

-all of my muscles hurt and i think it's just from being super stressed, but i feel so overwhelmed i can't even start to fix shit.

-other people see me as confident in myself and very capable. i didn't know that, actually. i see myself as neither of those things. am i too hard on myself?

-some good things i have going for me, i know: good friends and family, good fortune, good health, generally surrounded by love and understanding from all of the people in my life. i just wish i felt like i deserved it.

ugh, why do your twenties suck? does it get better? i feel like i don't even know myself anymore.