Thursday, September 04, 2008
things i have learned recently
this is a pretty tumultuous point of my life; i can't really remember another point where so many big changes happened at once, and i'm not handling it super well. mostly i'm just avoiding all of the problems i have and hoping they'll go away or someone else will take care of them for me. guess what? surprisingly, that's not working. but i guess i'm learning about myself or some BS like that right?
here are some things i've learned about myself recently:
-i'm kind of a selfish person. i don't think i always have been, but lately, jeez. if i don't want to do something, then i'm not doing it. my main concerns are my own health, happiness, and satisfaction. if i don't want to care about you right now, that's where you are. i'm a jerk!
-i thought i was good at handling shit. i thought i could git r done. turns out r is gettin me done instead. and r equals most things in my life, and by gettin me done means "fucking me over".
-i suffer from what is called an "intense lack of motivation". i try to work and the second someone calls with "hey wanna hang out" or "hey wanna go to the beach", i'm saying yes before they even get past the "hey, wanna" part. these calls inevitably come preeetty much every day.
-i'm feeling really guilty lately about most everything that's happening in my life. i'm not being a good student, or a good friend, or a good daughter or sister or granddaughter or citizen of the world or anything. i'm just being a lazy sack of shit.
-all of my muscles hurt and i think it's just from being super stressed, but i feel so overwhelmed i can't even start to fix shit.
-other people see me as confident in myself and very capable. i didn't know that, actually. i see myself as neither of those things. am i too hard on myself?
-some good things i have going for me, i know: good friends and family, good fortune, good health, generally surrounded by love and understanding from all of the people in my life. i just wish i felt like i deserved it.
ugh, why do your twenties suck? does it get better? i feel like i don't even know myself anymore.
here are some things i've learned about myself recently:
-i'm kind of a selfish person. i don't think i always have been, but lately, jeez. if i don't want to do something, then i'm not doing it. my main concerns are my own health, happiness, and satisfaction. if i don't want to care about you right now, that's where you are. i'm a jerk!
-i thought i was good at handling shit. i thought i could git r done. turns out r is gettin me done instead. and r equals most things in my life, and by gettin me done means "fucking me over".
-i suffer from what is called an "intense lack of motivation". i try to work and the second someone calls with "hey wanna hang out" or "hey wanna go to the beach", i'm saying yes before they even get past the "hey, wanna" part. these calls inevitably come preeetty much every day.
-i'm feeling really guilty lately about most everything that's happening in my life. i'm not being a good student, or a good friend, or a good daughter or sister or granddaughter or citizen of the world or anything. i'm just being a lazy sack of shit.
-all of my muscles hurt and i think it's just from being super stressed, but i feel so overwhelmed i can't even start to fix shit.
-other people see me as confident in myself and very capable. i didn't know that, actually. i see myself as neither of those things. am i too hard on myself?
-some good things i have going for me, i know: good friends and family, good fortune, good health, generally surrounded by love and understanding from all of the people in my life. i just wish i felt like i deserved it.
ugh, why do your twenties suck? does it get better? i feel like i don't even know myself anymore.
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maybe you shouldn't be concerned with what a "good daughter, sister, granddaughter, friend,etc." is and let us decide for ourselves. Personally I think you are a perfect daughter and, yes, you are being too hard on yourself. We all just gotta do the best we can and maybe sometimes just step back and take care of ourselves.If people expect more than we can give at that moment, then they are the ones with the problem. Ya, somedays the 20s suck; somedays the 30s, 40s, and 50s suck. Hell, I bet even the 100s suck! We all have to pray for more unsucky days than sucky ones. Just look at where you are from where you came. Gotta be proud of that! You are only responsible for and to yourself- not the whole world. And I think "myself" keeps changing so we have to reintroduce ourself---otherwise, wouldn't life be boring? tm
# posted by 
: September 07, 2008 7:02 AM
: September 07, 2008 7:02 AM
thanks mom...i was just feeling overwhelmed. i mean i still am but getting all that out there helped...
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# posted by : September 08, 2008 11:10 AM
: September 08, 2008 11:10 AM << Home
